Dr. Fangdango

Ahhh, it is getting close to the Holiday. It is very exciting. Last night, I gathered Sexy, Evil, and Morbido into my chambers and we carved pumpkins. I also allowed the henchmen, The Fangs, to do their own pumpkin carving as well. Evil wanted desperately to carve his with his baseball bat. He protested so much that we decided that it would be to the best to let him have his viscious way with things. Of course, the resulting mess took some time to clean up but I think Evil understands now that on rare occasions his bat is NOT the ultimate tool. Sexy had much fun with the vegetative strands from the insides though I hope they wash from her velvet outfit.

Morbido did what he usually does, sitting in almost a meditative silence while he worked with his ice-picks and Kali knives. But his work is quite grand... beautiful to behold.

You see, we are having a contest and I alone shall decide the winner! I'm not sure what they will receive if they are a victor in this little game. Perhaps something shiny and expensive, perhaps I will be giving them a night on the town. I do not know but will know when the time is correct.

The egg situation resolved itself. Captain Fang offered to run out to town in our disguised "in-town" pick-up truck. He did so and it all worked out well. So, as you can read, the week ended up for the better in this situation. I hope to not encounter a garbage truck for much more time. Still, the thinking of it makes me clench my teeth together. I must figure a way to retrieve that necklace. So I might strangle Baron Macabre with it!!! GAH!!!!

I must say, I find that this LJ place is interesting. But, I am saddened by the lack of contact with other individuals of my caliber. There is only one who has stepped forward to speak with me and his ideas have been quite inspirational and thought-provoking. I cruise LJ when I am bored and I find that there are several people who would make excellent additions to my staff. But always, they ignore me or tell me to go away. Do they not understand the Sexy I am presenting to them? Do they not understand that when I rule this world they will be able to have whatever they wish? By pushing me away they only advance themselves up the list of those that shall be dispatched first? If I deemed their qualities strong enough to join me and they chose to do not, why would I want them out in the world where they could oppose me? I do not understand. I am saddened and find that base human nature is something I do not understand... perhaps because I am so far above it?

So, it is along that cognitive process that I find I should perhaps spend more time redesigning my neural suggestion device. I abandoned it some time ago after the unfortunate accident with its initial test. I am just pleased that happened in another country! I am sure that the perfect amount of time has passed and I might be able to look at the schematic afresh. See the problems and whatever might have caused that gorilla to act the way it did. Yes, I will begin work again on this device. I cannot believe I abandoned the project because of the disaster caused by a gorilla and a few henchmen! A project that could be a cornerstone in my goals!!!

I shall begin directly after judging the pumpkin carving contest!!!

I seem to be very upset about the events of last weekend. Even though I have spent much time amongst the sexy I had an interesting thing happen when I went to the store for eggs. I wanted eggs you see and we were out at the HQ. So, I went out for eggs for I wanted some fresh air.

Of course, I did not drive. The Fangdango does not drive. I was riding in the back with my henchmen in case some adversary wanted to take a pot shot at me during an innocent errand. It happens. So, we are driving and I am thinking of how to try and recapture the object of my desire from this past disastrous weekend. You know how it is, simple musings about electric grids, security lasers, and the efficiency of cables and harnesses. While stopped at a light near the grocery store, lost in my musings, what should cross in front of us but a garbage truck!

I became so angry. I yelled, I shouted, I lost my sexy because of a stinky machine that ruined my entire WEEKEND! It only served to remind me of my defeat and how close I had come to having that necklace in my hands! I grew so enraged that I shot my henchman. This caused a horrible mess in my vehicle and upon my clothes. My velvet coat is now completely ruined and I am grieving it.

The sound of gunfire attracted some small attention at the intersection! This was easily handled by my quick thinking driver who was smart enough to accelerate quickly while enabling the smoke screen device. He is used to such outbursts from me, it seems.

I had to ride all the way home in the mess. Such a price one pays for losing their sexy! And the damnable thing being is that it is neither sexy or evil to have chickens in your secret headquarters! So, I will have to wait a bit longer for my eggs! What is a criminal genius to do if he cannot have his eggs and toast in the morning??? All because of a GARBAGE TRUCK!!!

Bah.

This has not been a good week.

I am not sure but its quite possible that I have discovered a way out of this particular gloom I have found myself fallen into. A singular light that is to be used with great relish but only when needed the most.

Look at women's lingerie. Yes. Preferably with women in it.

There are usually two ways out of the criminal mastermind blues. The two things that actually make up all of creation, that work their will upon mankind and we but have to choose one way or the other to bring ourselves in line with the great cosmos. These two things are Sexy and Evil. Not my henchmen, mind you, but the actual encompassing concepts of Sexy and Evil. In a way, they are like the Yin and the Yang except one involves more velvet and the other more screaming. Sometimes I chose the screaming but tonight, tonight my friends, I choose the Sexy.

What has put me in this terrible mood, you ask? I hear you asking. I do. So, with the hearing, I respond. Planning the demise of my rivals. They say that a person is to be judged by their enemies. If that is to be true then I am truly, yes truly, a great man! I ,of course, knew this already but it is sometimes good to have the proof. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes! My rivals. They are quite fiendish but they are continually getting in the way. Always sneaking around and foiling my plans. When we do occasionally work together they can never be trusted! This is most frustrating. It is hard to spend hour upon hour upon hour on a masterplan only to have it train-wrecked by another villain's lackey with a garbage truck!!! Maddening I tell you!!! MADDENING!!!!! Why did he not tell me the garbage truck WAS GOING TO BE INVOLVED!!! HAD I KNOWN SUCH A THING THEN I COULD HAVE PLANNNNNED FOR IT!!!!!!!! IF I KNEW ---

I am sorry. I was yelling wasn't I? I am sorry. Yelling is not sexy. Yelling will only serve to frighten the women in sexy lingerie. I do not know where Mordido found them but he/she/whatever tells me that they are quite exquisite.

I think I will go see them now and try to forget awhile my troubles with backstabbing garrulous genital sucking ---

I am sorry. I will stop now. I need to go look at the sexy.

Very quickly. I have had a thought for my book, the Tao of Sexy.

Just because something appears sexy does not mean it IS sexy. One should be very careful that one examines the sexy they are observing. There are those that are only a false sexy. they are not REALLY sexy.

Like, for instance, me.
Look for sexy of great caliber.

Now, I must have lunch.

Ahhh, Autumn. It is a good time to be in the mountains. I am able to stand on the balcony of my HQ within this fine mountain and survey the forests around me beginning to die. Yes, it is what Autumn is for, is it not, watching things die? Spring, now Spring is not so much on my high list. There are flowers everywhere and everone is smiling. Bah, the only good thing about the Spring is the fact that there is more skin showing in the parks! And you get more of that in Summer anyway!!! I say skip Spring and go right to Summer which gets us to Autumn all the faster. Of course, after that is Winter and everyone knows that Winter is cold and nasty.

I, myself, am not a fan of deep Winter. All the snow and icey roads. It is a good time to wear my more bulkier dark coats but overall, bah, its cold. It is hard to be sexy when you are cold. Autumn is the best month. Nothing like a thrilling car chase down a road with the falling leaves whipping around your car, your henchmen hanging out the windows with their automatics blazing!! And such a thing on an Autumnal Full Moon... grandiose!!

I was studying the balcony this morning and I think that when I have the next "henchman trouble" I will bring him up here and throw him off it. Perhaps it will happen soon so I can watch him fall into the splendidly bright leaves below. The ingenius thing about this is that I will have to send other thugs to retrieve the body so it is not found by a wandering hiker. Thus, it ensures morale as they whisper and banter over their off-shift card games!! Yes, I love the idea. Perhaps I will just go toss one off as a test! I must go see if Sexy is free for a dance while I do this...

See, this time of year is quite inspiring!!!

I guess it has been a few days. I have been very busy cleaning up the headquarters from a rat and insect problem. I do not like animals such as these. They are not sexy. They are sort of skittery and carry many nasty things on their fractured little black nails. See, that is not sexy. How could such a thing be sexy? A criminal mastermind should be focused on two things! Being Sexy and Being Evil. Being dirty is not one of them. I leave that to those poseurs who like to hang out in cemetaries and wear black. Black is so last decade... Bah! Someone with real intellect would see that the striking combination of dark purple, red, and silver trim is far more effective then just black! Fools.

What was I saying? Oh, yes. The creatures had come in because Evil was bringing and "storing" some of his animal kills in dark places of the compound. I tried to explain to the silly little man that I don't care if he wants to bring in dead cats to eat later, but that he can't store them behind crates of dangerous munitions! After all, that is what freezers are for, right?

I spent some time talking to the lab boys and we made up a very special and, might I say, very potent chemical compound. When sprayed upon infested areas, not only did it eventually kill most of the bastards it also made some of them three feet long and verrrry hungry! I do so love it when a plan comes together. A few got loose and killed some guards down in the food lockers but nothing that Evil could not take care of efficiently. He needed the practice anyway.

Oh, I forgot to mention my most glorious upon wonderous, and might I add loyal, henchmen? Well, its two of them actually. They are a team. I worked very hard to find them. Quite spectacular to watch... Their names are Evil and Sexy. Do you like them? I gave them those names myself. Evil does the killing and Sexy... well Sexy does the dancing. Like I said, quite an amazing sight.

So, anyway, the mutated rats and insects have been placed in a secure location and I hear the henchmen draw straws every day to see who takes them their food. Evil got a workout facing some very quick opponents. I got to watch Sexy dance. All in all, I think it was a weekend to relish. Not quite up to par with enslaving the population of a small city or watching complete strangers run in fear. But, it made a few days in the HQ a bit spicier then normal.

Greetings,

Let me introduce myself, I am Dr. Fangdango.

Although you will all know my name shortly (as my plan is the eventual domination of the Earth)I thought I would step forward from the shadows, let all of you get to know me better. Let you read with your own eyes the workings of my sexy and villianous mind.

For I am very sexy... I am THE Fangdango.

From deep within my mountain summit headquarters, I have been watching all of you, making my plans, gathering supplies and hiring exotic henchmen. Exotic henchmen are very expensive these days. Do you have any idea how pricey it is to hire a seductress? And they never want to buy their own wardrobe! I was looking online just this morning and the cost of a decent catsuit is just exorbitant! It is very hard to have a brutal thug steal a catsuit for your seductress or your bullwhip-cracking dominatrix henchman, henchwoman.... uuhhhh, henchperson. They go in, they steal it, and they always grab the wrong size! You tell them, "Bruno.. Bruno... grab the size 6 or the medium or something that fits her!," but they are always more interested in knocking out the windows and shooting the clerks. So, you have to buy them. The easiest way is to just get your seductress or other very sexy henchmen, henchwoman...errrr henchperson a checking account of their own. That way, they can go in and just buy the damn thing by themselves without all the fuss of gunshots and running and yelling.

Where was I?

Oh, yes... Ruling the world... It it something I will do eventually. You should keep your eyes open for me, for I am watching you and planning.

And I am verrrry sexy.

I am Dr. Fangdango.